Fail Forward

 Do you ever hear someone describe you or compliment you, and it is in such stark contrast to how you see yourself that you laugh aloud?

I cannot count how many times people have complimented our parenting or marriage. I appreciate it, I mean it's nice to hear positive things. But honestly, my 25+ years of marriage and adulthood have just been a series of "Fail Forwards".

My Epic Fails

"I will do great at college, I'm smart, graduated 10th in my class"

"I won't spank my kids, research shows it's destructive"

"My kid won't act like that"

"I will be patient and explain what my child did wrong so they can learn"

"I won't demand and push grades on my kids"

"My kid will come to pictures, he will wear what I have laid out and he will SMILE, so help me"

"I am going to work out every day"

"I am not going to argue with my husband"

Also me, Reality me...

Started college on academic probation for three semesters because I didn't show up to my own life, then 5 semesters of the Dean's list. I would not be the teacher or mother I am today if I hadn't failed before I succeeded. I see the mistakes and steer the kids. I don't give up on a student because they are blowing it in a class or lost a whole semester of credits. That's fine, fail forward. 

I spanked both kids I raised in early childhood and added to that excellent decision a bunch of screaming and yelling (me, more than them). Still don't know what is right or wrong and I am convinced every child is completely different and there are a lot of right ways to handle discipline. Failed plenty but kept trying, fail forward.

 My kids definitely threw that fit and embarrassed me countless times. I have now told total strangers with screaming toddlers that they are doing a good job and to hang in there. I recently followed a woman to her car because her older child threw such an incredible fit that I was concerned for her emotional state getting stuck with him in her car for the duration of the ride home. As I arrived at her trunk, while she loaded the car, she looked at me and started to defend herself. I held up a hand and said, "no judgment, I have been where you're at, how can I help make this less overwhelming for you?" She stood there and bawled in that Hobby Lobby parking lot. I saw so many moms in her tears, so many trying to get it all done and do it all right. Well, they aren't going to get it right. They are going to fail, daily. 

I have no patience and I have totally surrendered to it, that train has left the station. I am other good things, I am going to see all of who I am. I am compassionate and empathetic. I love people and their differences. I am good stuff, but I am also an inpatient lunatic and that's just the total package. I try, I will keep trying but more times than not, I fail.

Oh, he came for the pictures, he endured the pictures and the pictures were awful. I want family pictures, I do. I want the matching, everyone together, these are my people moments. But, I also want sanity. I want to like my kids at the end of the day. So, there were fewer pictures over time and that boy grew up, he smiles and puts up with me. Fail forward.

I have worked out...on days...here and there...with new plans all the time because I get bored or life happens. I make excuses with fitness, I fail. Then try something else, fail forward.

My poor husband...he is still here after lots of colossal fails.

Those are obvious ones, we can all make that list of our cute pre-child self that had plans and had it all figured out. 

But there have been so many more fails than plans that worked out. I failed to recognize the true needs my kids had while they had them. I argued over ridiculous things with my husband and my kids when I really needed to address myself and my behaviors. The key, I have decided is to go ahead and fail but try not to fail the same way repeatedly. As my kids got older, I changed, I grew and I tried to fail less. In the end, I hope I at least taught them to keep moving, striving, and trying. I think we did more right than wrong. I mean they are great people. I hope I taught them to fail forward.

Being married a long time and raising a bunch of kids doesn't indicate I am good at marriage or motherhood. It does show, I hope, that I am willing to keep failing and trying. I am going to learn and change and become. So, wherever you are in your life, if today or this month or this year sucked. If you failed, that's okay. Try again tomorrow and just try to fail forward.