We have all fallen victim to social media comparison. You hop on Facebook, Instagram or Snapchat and there it is...the perfect couple. They love each other so much and every moment they are alive is flying on unicorns through a rainbow. If only I could have that! Look at their smiles, look at those thoughtful flowers, he left her the nicest note, he is so romantic, and look at their outing with all their kids that are all getting along. Then we start seeing our own lives through the lens of other people's relationships. We are failing in every direction.
THAT couple frolics in the snow and laughs and has the photo with everyone giggling and having a snowball fight. Wow, we don't have that. Thankfully, with age and lots of years of marriage, I have the next thought. I think the next thought is the one that determines if we stay married for the long haul or not. For example, in this Facebook comparison minute...I remember how much I HATE the snow and being cold. I have no interest at all in frolicking of any type. In fact, if Joe ever tried to be playful with snow in my presence I would be incredibly frustrated and hateful. Lord help us if he throws snow anywhere near me because I am cold thinking about it. Why do we compare and envy when we don't even want what the other person has? So, as I consider why I am still married after 26 years I have decided it is almost always the next thought. If you are struggling or in a time that is a low season of marriage, I challenge you to look for the next thought. Do you actually want what you think you do?
If you don't know me personally, Joe and I graduated from the same high school and were friends our senior year. We started dating at Indiana University on February 3 (my birthday) and were married two months later April 10, 1995, on a Monday at the courthouse at 18 and 19 years old. We didn't plan, we didn't think and good Lord were we blessed. I say that to people often. As our children have now all passed the age we were when we got married we have thought it over and over again, wow-that could have gone horribly wrong.
I have watched a lot of marriages come and go over my lifetime. Some surprised me and some made sense. I think some marriages could be saved if only people were able to focus on the things they choose to. You see, I can look at my husband and see the man that reorganizes the dishwasher because his way is the right way (might as well tell me I am stupid) then recleans the countertops as soon as I am finished, even though they are still wet from me cleaning them in front of him (he is saying I am useless). I can look at that man and hear him talking aloud to himself and want to punch him because I have told him that drives me crazy and I am not married to an elderly coot. I can see the man that rarely gets me a thoughtful gift and I am often hurt by his lack of caring on holidays. Either I buy myself a gift or give him such a specific list or item that it is pointless for him to bother buying it. I can be exhausted with his lack of emotion and I can be mad that I have to plan EVERYTHING for the entire huge family.
OR....I can have that NEXT THOUGHT
I could see the boy that showed up at my apartment in Bloomington and made my heart skip a beat. I could see the young man that locked eyes with me as our son was handed to us in that delivery room and see the sheer joy, love, devotion, and panic in his eyes. I choose to see the daddy that I quietly climbed the stairs to hear from outside our daughter's room as he talked about how her "children" had exhausted him while she was away at preschool. He referenced each of her dolls by their name spinning a tale of all the trouble they had been while she was away. I see the man that welcomed a teenage girl into our lives having never met her, because that was what needed done. Then he bore her trauma and anger toward men and loved her more because of it, instead of resenting her. I see the man that tossed a blow up mattress in our old truck to sleep outside for our son's birthday "camping" trips with friend...oh, there are bugs, no showers, poison ivy and no bed...yeah, I am out. I see the man across a soccer field that signed up to be a coach for a sport he didn't know anything about because that was what our son loved. I choose the man that welcomed a teen boy into our home and family because "it will all work out" then only two months later smiled as he saw our fifth child show up to play soccer in the backyard. The smile said, "I guess we have five". I see him when he picks up shifts to put extra money in the bank for a quick empty nesting trip. I see him shoveling snow, making dinner and pulling the covers over me. Oh, yes, thank you for that cup of coffee I didn't have to make.
What I am most grateful for is what HE chooses to see. I am no walk in the park. Do I want him to look at me and see all of my faults, all of the time? You see, I breath oxygen too, and I am often louder about it. Chips also CRUNCH when I eat them. Perhaps today is a good day for him to see only my anxiety and insecurities. Tomorrow he might want to focus on how inpatient I am because that can be a real doozy. Maybe this weekend he should spend some time remembering those hateful things I said because I was frustrated or overwhelmed. How about the decade I didn't sleep well and woke him because it made me mad that he could sleep, how dare him. Don't get too caught up on the fact that I only cook about 20% of our meals because I hate to cook and none of us want to endure a meal I make. When the kids were younger, he loved when I would yell and scream at them because that really helps an already out of control child calm down. Oh, it snowed again, yea, I won't be shoveling that.
So, why does our marriage work? I mean, I think I have been transparent here that we don't fit the Facebook perfection of those I see. It works because we both want it to. It works because when we were at our worst after having a child that never, ever slept we were too tired to look elsewhere. We chose to ignore as much of the other person's nonsense as we could and see the good. We have had the choice to laugh or cry and mostly we laugh. We laugh a lot because we are not in control, God is and he has some funny ideas of what we can handle. We share five amazing kids that have surpassed any goals or dreams we could have made for them. Like us, they are imperfect but they are out there being kind and trying. They make us so proud and because we pushed through some low points and kept choosing each other, we will get to share our grandkids one day together under one roof. There will be one Christmas at the grandparents, and when those moments come I will have a million more reasons to choose that boy I married at 19 that will be loving my grandchildren.
Four of our kids are still unmarried and 19-22 years old, I look at them and pray they choose well and see the blessings in their future spouse. In choosing, I hope they find someone that makes them laugh, and laughs with them at every mess that comes their way. I pray they see the good in each other and overlook a lot. I pray they fit together and are exactly what the other person isn't. I pray their partner puts them in their place but loves them anyway.
During a breakup in high school, my dad said "when you find the right person, they will make you a better version of yourself. If they don't, don't stay because that's not the right person." I married a man that has made me better and supported all the stupid ideas I have had through the years. That's the choice. You need to find yourself a loyal, Christian man that is willing to ignore most of your nonsense. Find a man that wants to help you become your best version of yourself so that he isn't worried about the better couple on social media. I married my best friend and I am so blessed for the life God chose for us.
**Disclaimer: I have been blessed and I have made choices. Not everyone is in my situation. As I write this, I am not suggesting that every one that is divorced is a horrible, awful person that failed at life. I would not expect anyone to stay with someone that is abusive or having affairs among other things. I feel like that goes without saying but I want to be clear that I understand there are unavoidable situations that I have watched people I care about struggle through, this isn't a place of judgement but a place of encouragement.
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