Adoption and Big, Messy Families

We find ourselves in a strange season of life. The nest is gradually emptying and like many others have found, the quiet is a blessing and overwhelmingly sad at the same time. I find myself reflecting more and a lot of times it brings me to laughter. I laugh a lot at younger me with lots of plans. I had plans and contingency plans, and plans for my plans. Absolutely none of that actually happened.

We eloped our freshman year of college at Indiana University and everyone assumed I was pregnant...nope, just crazy. At the time, it all made sense to me. We had dated two months so clearly we had it all figured out. Now that my kids are all older than we were when we got married, I do laugh and understand why others were so panicked.

From there, the planning began, might not have planned a wedding but we would plan everything else in enormous detail. We would have one boy and one girl. They would be best friends and 2 years apart, then we did just that.

Then life happened and God had plans for us that I could never have imagined. A student walked into my 6th grade classroom and four became five. (more on the specifics of foster care: Blog on Foster Care)  Let me be clear, we didn't add to our family because we were doing an awesome job with the two we had. We were failing daily. We had no idea what we were doing and had made a colossal mess with our finances. Another child was a ridiculous notion but we gave that the same amount of thought that we did our elopement and within a few months of paperwork, we were loving a third child. I am so grateful for these moments where my planning stopped and God's began.

Adoption was not what I thought it would be, it was so much more. I, very foolishly, thought we would take this child in and give her a stable, loving home with her new bedroom, bed, furnishings she chose and siblings, then everybody would live happily ever after. 

You have to go into adoption, with older kids especially, open minded. They are already becoming. They have interests and personalities that were not created in your home. They are their own full person and you are there to come alongside them and help them figure the rest out. You are not there to rewrite the missing 14 years. Those years happened, the good ones and the bad ones. Those first 14 years made a survivor and trying to act like that didn't happen is a disservice to the warrior in front of you.

Fernando Makes Six

The next addition to our family sort of showed up and then never left. He was friends with our high school son and came over a lot for dinner and bilingual math help from David. Fernando was a student of mine from Guatemala and snuck into our hearts. A non-relative he was living with was making some decisions he didn't agree with and he was treated really badly by them. He stayed for a weekend to get a break, then claimed a room and became our second son.

I don't even remember a conversation with my husband to decide on this, just a look and a realization that our family was growing again.

This new configuration worked well in my OCD mind, we had two girls and two boys, two pale and two dark, two tall and two short, this was all so symmetrical. This must be a sign that our family is complete. This family growth was easier because we were older, foster care was not involved so we had no government intervention and we had made tons of mistakes in parenting so we sort of knew what we were doing. Then one day, Fernando texted asking if his brother could stop by after school. He has family nearby that are WONDERFUL so I thought nothing of it. What I didn't know was the visitor would become our fifth child.

  Yobany makes seven, don't move the finish line!

I came home from work expecting a 30 year old brother, what I found was a 15 year old brother that had just arrived from Guatemala and spoke ZERO English. The minute I saw him, I knew that he was meant for us. I saw it differently on round 3. All reluctance to hear God's plans were gone for all of us. David looked at me, smiled ear to ear and said "can we keep him?"

I saw two young brothers separated by countries for over 2 years finally reunited. Again, I don't remember a decision to add to the family, I just remember my husband laughing aloud and shaking his head. Later he told me "We can't move the finish line" meaning our daughter (one year younger than Yobany) needed to be the end, regardless of how many come between our oldest and youngest.  Even after all God has shown us we still try to plan and think we are in charge.

Adoption comes in a lot of colors, shapes and sizes. There is infant adoption that is planned through agencies and you are given a baby that is hours old. No trauma, no bad memories, nothing to overcome. I think there will still be questions as they age and I am sure some concerns along the way, as well as unknown genetics but this is perhaps the simplest of the adoptions. I suspect extended family is more supportive and accepting as well. Everyone loves a baby.

My own adoption

I was adopted by my stepdad. He married my mom when I was two and was the only father I had ever known. I will forever believe this was God sewing the seeds for what was to come in my life. I was loved by a man that did not look like me and had a lot of strengths you will never see in me. 

However, I see now how much I am like this man that shares none of my genetics. I am compassionate and open to loving whoever needs us. I see the good in people so that I can try to grow it in them and that is what my dad does for all those around him. We are nothing alike in other ways, now as a momma, I see that those are the things he must treasure in me. I love math and talk incessantly. He is mechanically minded and a quiet, thoughtful observer. That's one of many gifts in adoption. You get to raise someone that is NOT like you, someone that will become all kinds of things you could not create.

Older adoptions are really not like the other options.

The biggest misunderstanding we had going into loving and adopting an older child was definitely thinking that we were going to love them and see them just like the biological kids we had. That really isn't how it works. You do love them but you love them for being nothing like you, for being so much more than you.

Our biological kids came to us as infants with post birth emotions coursing through me and amazement at God's gifts. If you have had a biological kid, you get it, you take one look at them and the love just pours out of you. You see yourself or your husband in their eyes, you lather on the sunscreen because you know how fast their skin will burn like yours. As they grow older, you often see yourself in them, albeit a better version. You see your strengths and weaknesses. It is easy to help them navigate life because they often think and act just like you or their dad. Their bodies start to morph into a younger version of you. This is easy, this makes sense.

Adoption of older kids is not a wildly instant delivery room love. It is a love that grows with time, laughter and arguments. Arguments about things you cannot believe you are teaching someone this old...but wait you didn't lay the groundwork. So, yes, you are parenting a 15 year old on things you dealt with when the others were 7. Then, every now and then, you see it like a rainbow after the storm. You see the beauty that, thank God, they are nothing like you. They are fully their own person that can maneuver that soccer field with speed and agility that definitely did NOT come from these genes. You see their patience, something you lack entirely, and you know someone else loved them first, someone else planted that beautiful seed and wow, I get to see it grow. You love them BECAUSE they are not like you. In this joy, there is some sorrow. Sadness that I didn't get to hold them as babies, watch their first steps, be there for them when they undoubtedly needed a mom. I want the years back but that is not the story we are writing. They are each stronger for their journey to our family. They are better for all the people that loved them along the way and for all they overcame.

Family doesn't end when kids turn 18 and what a gift that clearly becomes. I will get so many beautiful, amazing grandkids. I will get to see my bonus kids in the eyes of their babies. Holidays are giant events even when it is only us and our kids. Big families are just special.

Good things accidentally happen when you grow your family.

Our biological kids are so much better because they shared their lives and their homes with three bonus kids. They are compassionate, welcoming and loving. Both of them have said they want big families of their own because now that they have experienced it, they can't imagine how boring life would have been with just the four of us. Since three of our kids were undocumented when they came into our family and all were from third world countries, we learned a lot about culture and immigration. The "originals" grasped a greater appreciation for all they have and all their experiences. They know they have had a lot of advantages and they work hard to make use of opportunities not everyone gets.

My sweet sister-in-law has shared that our journey and growing family has positively impacted my nephews. They have had the opportunity to grow up with biracial cousins that speak two languages and they have never questioned adoption, or if they were actually cousins or anything about what family is. They just love their cousins because they see us loving them. You never know how your love will show others to love.

We have been blessed by friends that have cheered us on from the beginning. They have loved us through good and bad times. Helped us when we had no idea what to do and supported us without reminding us that "you chose this" or "this is why we wouldn't do this to our family". Now, with our baby 19, we see all the 'extras' coming into our ever expanding family. Our oldest married an amazing man we are blessed to have in our family. Three more of my kids are with wonderful people that fit like the missing puzzle pieces we didn't know we needed. They are a reminder that our large family will only get larger.

My oldest son, Fernando, took David (bio son) back to Guatemala with him to meet his family. This was one of those wild moments when you really see how beautiful adoption can be. David was welcomed into Fernando's home just as we had welcomed Fernando. David loved every minute of it and really enjoyed all the young cousins that gathered everywhere they went. (He has admitted he liked the young ones because they seemed to speak the same level of Spanish).

The way things worked out we ended up with a bio and a bonus kid as seniors in high school twice. I suspect the ages of the last four made life a little easier because they all had events at the high school together. This was so much fun through the high school years. Somewhere along the way, we realized we didn't take away from Emma and David's lives, we added. We added three more people to love and laugh with them. They learned from siblings mistakes or struggles because they had front row seats and came away more tolerant and kind.

There are frustrations along the way.

Just because you have opened your hearts and lives to others doesn't mean everyone else will. If everyone thought like adoptive families, there wouldn't be any children in foster care. Adoptive families are different and you have to accept that your way of life is not for everyone. Some family and friends will drop off as they don't care to be a part of your journey. This is a tough one and surprised us even though it shouldn't have. You have to learn to ignore the selfish people and just enjoy your loud, chaotic family. You will probably be far too busy going back and forth to the grocery store to feed this many people to give much time or attention to negativity. Along with the selfish people will come some crazy comments. Put your energy on the good people and the positive support. Others may never understand and that's okay, you didn't grow your family for them.

You will have enough love to go around but that doesn't grow money or time.  You will spend more at on vacations and groceries than you could ever imagine. Suddenly spending $50-75 for a kid's Easter is now multiplied by 5, not 2. There will be less vacations, activities and meals out. 

Planning is fine but look for God's plan, too.

Every now and then only the four of us are together and I see a photo and have to laugh. This was my BIG plan. I had it all figured out. Our lives would have been so boring if we had chosen to ignore God's plans in our lives. We have been blessed and grown into much better people for all we have seen and all those we have loved. I also believe the original two are better because they understand the real truth of family and of faith.

The only thing they ever seem to be frustrated with is when their siblings aren't treated as equals or as family. Since they have been raised to love everyone that comes into the house, they don't understand why others wouldn't.

Our family is a lot better for all those we have loved and raised. I still find myself laughing all these years later at those two kids at college in 1995 that had it all figured out, the stories I would love to tell them. Planning will never be their strong suit.