The good, the bad and the ugly of foster care

We get asked a lot about foster care, about how it works, and how someone might get involved. It is a very involved answer. I have learned one thing, we had no idea what we were doing when we started the process at 29 years old. The foster care system also seemed to have no idea what they were doing so that didn't seem to help. 

And Angelica made five

I guess I should back up and explain our journey a little. In 2005, I was a wife of 11 years and a mother to two biological children ages 6 and 4.  I was in my second year of teaching 6th grade in Indianapolis and one of my students was in foster care. This was a first for me, I communicated with her elderly foster parents and I heard from her caseworker twice that year. Angelica was 13 and in her 7th school in her 2nd country, in her third state. She was undocumented and life had been unfair and unsafe. Initially, she told me she would be returning to the family members she had lived with prior to foster care but as the weeks turned into months it became clear that her plan might not be unfolding as she had thought. By April 2006, she told me that it was beginning to look like she was not actually related to the "aunt" and "uncle" she'd lived with, so reunification was unlikely. I reached out to her caseworker and found out her case was unique at that time in Marion County because she was undocumented and not related to anyone living in the United States. Keep in mind, she was 13 and had lived in the United States for 7 years.

I knew nothing. I mean, absolutely nothing. I didn't know anything about trauma, about raising teens, about foster care, about immigration, about attachment, about loving children I had not raised.

Hannah Montana had her sidekick and big sister

When I told my husband over dinner about this child and how I worried about where life would take her given her unique circumstances, he shrugged and said "I guess we should take her". This was a very strange remark for so many reasons. First, as I mentioned, we knew nothing. Secondly, after having our first biological child we researched raising "only" children because we were pretty convinced we were failing in colossal ways. Then a couple of years later we decided just one more would complete our family. Our second child, a girl, was newly diagnosed as Deaf. We were navigating a world of exceptionalities and pretty sure we were doing it all wrong. So, foster care and adoption was the furthest thing from our minds.

Then, with no caution, no planning, we leapt. We have always felt it was God tossing us out into that ocean of confusion. Nothing in our planning would have sent us that direction.

Senior Year

 In hindsight, there are so many things I wish we'd known so we could be what she needed. But that is not how it all worked out. We did our best and she survived us. So, here's our truth of living in the foster care system for two years.

The Good in foster parenting:

• You have some friends that will blow your mind. They will show up. They will love you. They will hear you and they might not understand BUT they will keep showing up.
• Bringing a child into your home will grow a level of acceptance and compassion with your original kids that would never exist otherwise.
• A child that is not biologically yours is likely to have personality traits and talents you don't have. This is a lot of fun because you get to experience new things outside your comfort zone.
• Hopefully, if all goes right, you take that child to a better place and a healthier, happier life than they might have ventured to alone.
• You learn so much more about love when you actively choose love which is a different situation than traditional parenting.
• That moment without realizing it that she sprung out of my friend's pool and shouted, "MOM, watch this" my heart exploded with a new love and a new connection I could never have imagined, loving bonus kids has its rewards.
• Realizing you got a 7th grader that had a 2nd-grade reading level, after 2 years she is passing all the standardized tests and is above grade level because she just needed safe consistency.
• You get the opportunity to grow patience because the system is beyond futile and planning will get you nowhere.
• Bigger families inevitably have more laughter and chaos.
• AND I mean, look at that picture, she's stunning and she's mine!
• Getting a front-row seat to watching a child overcome an awful childhood to become a happy, fun and good person is a great gift.
• The CASA workers are your people. At least we were blessed with several that always answered phones and emails, always cared and stepped up. They are truly there to be the voice for these children. They are not there for reunification if that is not in the child's best interest. They will try hard to do what is truly right.

                                          

The Bad of Foster Care

• Constant intrusion becomes the new normal. Someone will show up announced or unannounced whenever it is convenient for them to inspect your house. Oh, you already have two healthy, successful kids? But do you have a fire extinguisher on every floor of your home? Do you have a fire ladder upstairs? Do you have your fuse box labeled? Do you have your Tylenol in a safe? How many square feet of space is in their bedroom?
• While the caseworker can show up whenever and wherever they want to check up on you, trying to reach them when you are losing your mind is not quite so easy. You will get one recording after another. If they ever call back, they will be annoyed you called at all.
• That person showing up to advise you on how to handle a new behavior has NO KIDS OR LIFE EXPERIENCE, not one, single, ounce. The 22-year-old assigned to your case comes right when you are at war with each other, then proceeds to tell you something they read out of a book. 
• Understandably, the caseworker needs to spend some time alone with the child to make sure they can share any concerns or dangers of living in your house. Then the caseworker take them to get a treat or out to a fun activity so they can come home with an ice cream cone or new toys to flaunt in front of the other kids that no longer get those experiences because the family finances have been stretched across more children.
• The loneliness is unimaginable. I was blessed with a husband I could be completely honest with and another foster family (that adopted Angelica's biological brother so we could raise them together) that really understood. I had another few friends that SHOWED up in every difficult moment. But it is still a very strange loneliness. Find your people and get real with them. If they judge you or remind you "you chose this" or " this is why I don't foster", recognize this is not going to be a person in the inner circle. Stop sharing your life with them because they are in a competition to win at life and you are not entering that competition.

The Ugly

• You find out pretty quickly that while suspended in foster care (not yet adopted) the state controls everything, poorly. So, you cannot get their hair cut, go on a trip, get their ears pierced, or find out anything going on in therapy. This child goes in and talks to a therapist has all kinds of feelings stirred up and bounced around for an hour, then goes home with people completely oblivious to their struggles. This is not only frustrating for the child that has no one to help them at home but it is also dangerous because their current state of mind is never shared with you.
• You are positive of only one thing, you are failing someone every day. You either fail as a wife, a mother to the original kids, or as a mother to the foster child. There just isn't enough of you. You cry a lot and live in a world of self doubt.
• You find out pretty quickly that your "circle" of friends is shrinking. You cannot be honest with very many people about having a bad day or week. They will either admonish you for not realizing this poor foster child is hurting or they will remind you that they told you so, and this is exactly why they aren't foster parents. This judgement is not very helpful.
• There should be more resources on the types of trauma and concerns you might face as a family and proven methods of helping the child.

Things you need to consider before becoming foster parents:  

Emma, Dave and Angelica

• Adding one more, in this way, is in no way comparable to adding a biological infant. The amount of money, time and anxiety will not increase the same small amount as when you added that last baby. This child needs time to heal and time to figure out who they are within the greater family. This is a slow and difficult journey for them and for you. It is the focus of the entire family and takes the majority of the family's focus for at least a year. Your marriage will not be improved by this experience. If you struggle to communicate, it WILL get worse. Make sure your marriage is good and you both 100% want to be doing this. Just like intentionally having biological children is a decision you make together.
• The child will inevitably and without realizing it, compare you to everyone else that has cycled through as parents, guardians or foster parents. This was incredibly hurtful because I constantly felt compared while I already failing. You have to find a way to not take every single thing personally. This poor kid has no idea that the people they are comparing you to, failed them, miserably.

• Everything I read in research AFTER our experience said that you should not adopt ABOVE the age of your biological children. Hindsight... this makes so much sense. Not only were we trying to learn how to be foster parents, but we were also learning and rapidly failing at being parents of a teenager. Thank God she was good! She made good grades, she didn't drink, do drugs or party...and thank you Jesus there were not babies! Raising a child younger than your biological kids would be far less of a guessing game. You would have experience with all of the big and small decisions.
• Your extended family is not signing up to be foster or adoptive parents. Some family members will shock you by stepping up and being "all in" but not everyone shares your level of compassion. Expecting them to support you or accept your child will lead to painful disappointment.
• Your goal in foster care should be to help this child get any help they need and be their best self. They are not you. They do not share your strengths or weaknesses. They are not on the same train you tossed your biological kids on at birth. When we attempted to get our adopted daughter on that train, we essentially made her chase the train that was 13 years ahead of her. This was so unfair and ridiculous. Have realistic expectations that match your child's life experiences and interests. They have their own train, it may be on its own tracks, it may be on a different planet. Find their train and let them be their own person.
• You WILL NOT be capable of healing what has happened to this innocent child. You cannot erase it, you cannot fix it. Believing you can, will make you feel like a failure with every breath that you take. It's not your fault. It's not their fault. Provide them with a loving, safe and healthy place to work through it but you will not be able to do it for them.
• The years you didn't have them matter. You will never know or understand what happened in those years. The child might not even be able to articulate or understand all of those years themselves. Yet, they have to live with the resulting trauma. Now that you are their parent, so do you. 
• Foster care is a selfless act. You need to know that you are choosing a path for everyone living in the house. Is everyone prepared to focus on someone else and their needs with a heightened sense of stress and demands?
• Can you be kind to yourself? I was NOT and that is made worse by everyone else's constant judgement. You need to know your self worth. You need to be sure you are a good parent.

My friend or family member is a foster parent, how can I help support them?

Family Trip to Hilton Head

• Invite the foster child over to allow the child time away from the family. They need a break and so does the family.
• LISTEN, you don't have to understand and I am pretty certain you can't fix anything. But ask your friend if you can meet to go on a walk or meet up for coffee. Being heard without judgment was a gift that I can never repay to those trusted friends that listened and encouraged me. Find your circle, it will get smaller.
• Send them a gift card for pizza, with therapy and sports, and added homework there will be nights that not having to deal with dinner would help.
• Pray for them and let them know that you did. Just knowing someone cares without judgment lifts your mood and pushes you on.
• Try to include the foster child, it must be awful to always feel left out. Sometimes it was evident that people didn't see her as one of the Dillon kids. Look at the pictures, she was blessed with beautiful skin that tanned even though her white momma lathered her up in sunscreen, she was clearly not biologically ours, that divide is difficult enough but adding to it by not including them is not helpful. 
• If the other children in the family are young, try to help out by sending the parents out to dinner or a movie while you have the kids over for a night at your house. 

Foster care, itself, is a mess. It is a limbo where a child lives between a life that failed them and a future that isn't decided. It is stressful for all involved. Adoption, on the other hand, is a beautiful thing. Adoption is selfless and difficult but you don't have an agency interrupting constantly. The family can come together and create new memories and a new life together. The future is supported by court documents and the stress is far less.