Marriage, is this what I signed up for?

We have all fallen victim to social media comparison. You hop on Facebook, Instagram or Snapchat and there it is...the perfect couple. They love each other so much and every moment they are alive is flying on unicorns through a rainbow. If only I could have that! Look at their smiles, look at those thoughtful flowers, he left her the nicest note, he is so romantic, and look at their outing with all their kids that are all getting along. Then we start seeing our own lives through the lens of other people's relationships. We are failing in every direction. 

THAT couple frolics in the snow and laughs and has the photo with everyone giggling and having a snowball fight. Wow, we don't have that. Thankfully, with age and lots of years of marriage, I have the next thought. I think the next thought is the one that determines if we stay married for the long haul or not. For example, in this Facebook comparison minute...I remember how much I HATE the snow and being cold. I have no interest at all in frolicking of any type. In fact, if Joe ever tried to be playful with snow in my presence I would be incredibly frustrated and hateful. Lord help us if he throws snow anywhere near me because I am cold thinking about it. Why do we compare and envy when we don't even want what the other person has? So, as I consider why I am still married after 26 years I have decided it is almost always the next thought. If you are struggling or in a time that is a low season of marriage, I challenge you to look for the next thought. Do you actually want what you think you do? 

If you don't know me personally, Joe and I graduated from the same high school and were friends our senior year. We started dating at Indiana University on February 3 (my birthday) and were married two months later April 10, 1995, on a Monday at the courthouse at 18 and 19 years old. We didn't plan, we didn't think and good Lord were we blessed. I say that to people often. As our children have now all passed the age we were when we got married we have thought it over and over again, wow-that could have gone horribly wrong. 

I have watched a lot of marriages come and go over my lifetime. Some surprised me and some made sense. I think some marriages could be saved if only people were able to focus on the things they choose to. You see, I can look at my husband and see the man that reorganizes the dishwasher because his way is the right way (might as well tell me I am stupid) then recleans the countertops as soon as I am finished, even though they are still wet from me cleaning them in front of him (he is saying I am useless). I can look at that man and hear him talking aloud to himself and want to punch him because I have told him that drives me crazy and I am not married to an elderly coot. I can see the man that rarely gets me a thoughtful gift and I am often hurt by his lack of caring on holidays. Either I buy myself a gift or give him such a specific list or item that it is pointless for him to bother buying it. I can be exhausted with his lack of emotion and I can be mad that I have to plan EVERYTHING for the entire huge family.

OR....I can have that NEXT THOUGHT

I could see the boy that showed up at my apartment in Bloomington and made my heart skip a beat. I could see the young man that locked eyes with me as our son was handed to us in that delivery room and see the sheer joy, love, devotion, and panic in his eyes. I choose to see the daddy that I quietly climbed the stairs to hear from outside our daughter's room as he talked about how her "children" had exhausted him while she was away at preschool. He referenced each of her dolls by their name spinning a tale of all the trouble they had been while she was away. I see the man that welcomed a teenage girl into our lives having never met her, because that was what needed done. Then he bore her trauma and anger toward men and loved her more because of it, instead of resenting her. I see the man that tossed a blow up mattress in our old truck to sleep outside for our son's birthday "camping" trips with friend...oh, there are bugs, no showers, poison ivy and no bed...yeah, I am out. I see the man across a soccer field that signed up to be a coach for a sport he didn't know anything about because that was what our son loved. I choose the man that welcomed a teen boy into our home and family because "it will all work out" then only two months later smiled as he saw our fifth child show up to play soccer in the backyard. The smile said, "I guess we have five".  I see him when he picks up shifts to put extra money in the bank for a quick empty nesting trip. I see him shoveling snow, making dinner and pulling the covers over me. Oh, yes, thank you for that cup of coffee I didn't have to make.

I have realized, life is about seeing what I want to see. Some days we are unkind. Some days every breath he takes in my presence is too loud, I mean does he even need oxygen today? We have oxygen in several other rooms of this house! Did he really just open Kimchi in the house? He knows I can't stand that smell! Oh, you forgot to ask off work for spring break and now you can't because the other 'good' teacher husbands remembered to ask off? I have been a teacher with spring break off for oh, 17 years, this is a curveball. Is it Christmas morning and 9 people got gifts from you and you can't name one of them?

What I am most grateful for is what HE chooses to see. I am no walk in the park. Do I want him to look at me and see all of my faults, all of the time? You see, I breath oxygen too, and I am often louder about it. Chips also CRUNCH when I eat them. Perhaps today is a good day for him to see only my anxiety and insecurities. Tomorrow he might want to focus on how inpatient I am because that can be a real doozy. Maybe this weekend he should spend some time remembering those hateful things I said because I was frustrated or overwhelmed. How about the decade I didn't sleep well and woke him because it made me mad that he could sleep, how dare him. Don't get too caught up on the fact that I only cook about 20% of our meals because I hate to cook and none of us want to endure a meal I make. When the kids were younger, he loved when I would yell and scream at them because that really helps an already out of control child calm down. Oh, it snowed again, yea, I won't be shoveling that.

So, why does our marriage work? I mean, I think I have been transparent here that we don't fit the Facebook perfection of those I see. It works because we both want it to. It works because when we were at our worst after having a child that never, ever slept we were too tired to look elsewhere. We chose to ignore as much of the other person's nonsense as we could and see the good. We have had the choice to laugh or cry and mostly we laugh. We laugh a lot because we are not in control, God is and he has some funny ideas of what we can handle. We share five amazing kids that have surpassed any goals or dreams we could have made for them. Like us, they are imperfect but they are out there being kind and trying. They make us so proud and because we pushed through some low points and kept choosing each other, we will get to share our grandkids one day together under one roof. There will be one Christmas at the grandparents, and when those moments come I will have a million more reasons to choose that boy I married at 19 that will be loving my grandchildren.

Four of our kids are still unmarried and 19-22 years old, I look at them and pray they choose well and see the blessings in their future spouse. In choosing, I hope they find someone that makes them laugh, and laughs with them at every mess that comes their way. I pray they see the good in each other and overlook a lot. I pray they fit together and are exactly what the other person isn't. I pray their partner puts them in their place but loves them anyway. 

During a breakup in high school, my dad said "when you find the right person, they will make you a better version of yourself. If they don't, don't stay because that's not the right person." I married a man that has made me better and supported all the stupid ideas I have had through the years. That's the choice. You need to find yourself a loyal, Christian man that is willing to ignore most of your nonsense. Find a man that wants to help you become your best version of yourself so that he isn't worried about the better couple on social media. I married my best friend and I am so blessed for the life God chose for us. 

**Disclaimer: I have been blessed and I have made choices. Not everyone is in my situation. As I write this, I am not suggesting that every one that is divorced is a horrible, awful person that failed at life. I would not expect anyone to stay with someone that is abusive or having affairs among other things. I feel like that goes without saying but I want to be clear that I understand there are unavoidable situations that I have watched people I care about struggle through, this isn't a place of judgement but a place of encouragement.

Fail Forward

 Do you ever hear someone describe you or compliment you, and it is in such stark contrast to how you see yourself that you laugh aloud?

I cannot count how many times people have complimented our parenting or marriage. I appreciate it, I mean it's nice to hear positive things. But honestly, my 25+ years of marriage and adulthood have just been a series of "Fail Forwards".

My Epic Fails

"I will do great at college, I'm smart, graduated 10th in my class"

"I won't spank my kids, research shows it's destructive"

"My kid won't act like that"

"I will be patient and explain what my child did wrong so they can learn"

"I won't demand and push grades on my kids"

"My kid will come to pictures, he will wear what I have laid out and he will SMILE, so help me"

"I am going to work out every day"

"I am not going to argue with my husband"

Also me, Reality me...

Started college on academic probation for three semesters because I didn't show up to my own life, then 5 semesters of the Dean's list. I would not be the teacher or mother I am today if I hadn't failed before I succeeded. I see the mistakes and steer the kids. I don't give up on a student because they are blowing it in a class or lost a whole semester of credits. That's fine, fail forward. 

I spanked both kids I raised in early childhood and added to that excellent decision a bunch of screaming and yelling (me, more than them). Still don't know what is right or wrong and I am convinced every child is completely different and there are a lot of right ways to handle discipline. Failed plenty but kept trying, fail forward.

 My kids definitely threw that fit and embarrassed me countless times. I have now told total strangers with screaming toddlers that they are doing a good job and to hang in there. I recently followed a woman to her car because her older child threw such an incredible fit that I was concerned for her emotional state getting stuck with him in her car for the duration of the ride home. As I arrived at her trunk, while she loaded the car, she looked at me and started to defend herself. I held up a hand and said, "no judgment, I have been where you're at, how can I help make this less overwhelming for you?" She stood there and bawled in that Hobby Lobby parking lot. I saw so many moms in her tears, so many trying to get it all done and do it all right. Well, they aren't going to get it right. They are going to fail, daily. 

I have no patience and I have totally surrendered to it, that train has left the station. I am other good things, I am going to see all of who I am. I am compassionate and empathetic. I love people and their differences. I am good stuff, but I am also an inpatient lunatic and that's just the total package. I try, I will keep trying but more times than not, I fail.

Oh, he came for the pictures, he endured the pictures and the pictures were awful. I want family pictures, I do. I want the matching, everyone together, these are my people moments. But, I also want sanity. I want to like my kids at the end of the day. So, there were fewer pictures over time and that boy grew up, he smiles and puts up with me. Fail forward.

I have worked out...on days...here and there...with new plans all the time because I get bored or life happens. I make excuses with fitness, I fail. Then try something else, fail forward.

My poor husband...he is still here after lots of colossal fails.

Those are obvious ones, we can all make that list of our cute pre-child self that had plans and had it all figured out. 

But there have been so many more fails than plans that worked out. I failed to recognize the true needs my kids had while they had them. I argued over ridiculous things with my husband and my kids when I really needed to address myself and my behaviors. The key, I have decided is to go ahead and fail but try not to fail the same way repeatedly. As my kids got older, I changed, I grew and I tried to fail less. In the end, I hope I at least taught them to keep moving, striving, and trying. I think we did more right than wrong. I mean they are great people. I hope I taught them to fail forward.

Being married a long time and raising a bunch of kids doesn't indicate I am good at marriage or motherhood. It does show, I hope, that I am willing to keep failing and trying. I am going to learn and change and become. So, wherever you are in your life, if today or this month or this year sucked. If you failed, that's okay. Try again tomorrow and just try to fail forward.

Adoption and Big, Messy Families

We find ourselves in a strange season of life. The nest is gradually emptying and like many others have found, the quiet is a blessing and overwhelmingly sad at the same time. I find myself reflecting more and a lot of times it brings me to laughter. I laugh a lot at younger me with lots of plans. I had plans and contingency plans, and plans for my plans. Absolutely none of that actually happened.

We eloped our freshman year of college at Indiana University and everyone assumed I was pregnant...nope, just crazy. At the time, it all made sense to me. We had dated two months so clearly we had it all figured out. Now that my kids are all older than we were when we got married, I do laugh and understand why others were so panicked.

From there, the planning began, might not have planned a wedding but we would plan everything else in enormous detail. We would have one boy and one girl. They would be best friends and 2 years apart, then we did just that.

Then life happened and God had plans for us that I could never have imagined. A student walked into my 6th grade classroom and four became five. (more on the specifics of foster care: Blog on Foster Care)  Let me be clear, we didn't add to our family because we were doing an awesome job with the two we had. We were failing daily. We had no idea what we were doing and had made a colossal mess with our finances. Another child was a ridiculous notion but we gave that the same amount of thought that we did our elopement and within a few months of paperwork, we were loving a third child. I am so grateful for these moments where my planning stopped and God's began.

Adoption was not what I thought it would be, it was so much more. I, very foolishly, thought we would take this child in and give her a stable, loving home with her new bedroom, bed, furnishings she chose and siblings, then everybody would live happily ever after. 

You have to go into adoption, with older kids especially, open minded. They are already becoming. They have interests and personalities that were not created in your home. They are their own full person and you are there to come alongside them and help them figure the rest out. You are not there to rewrite the missing 14 years. Those years happened, the good ones and the bad ones. Those first 14 years made a survivor and trying to act like that didn't happen is a disservice to the warrior in front of you.

Fernando Makes Six

The next addition to our family sort of showed up and then never left. He was friends with our high school son and came over a lot for dinner and bilingual math help from David. Fernando was a student of mine from Guatemala and snuck into our hearts. A non-relative he was living with was making some decisions he didn't agree with and he was treated really badly by them. He stayed for a weekend to get a break, then claimed a room and became our second son.

I don't even remember a conversation with my husband to decide on this, just a look and a realization that our family was growing again.

This new configuration worked well in my OCD mind, we had two girls and two boys, two pale and two dark, two tall and two short, this was all so symmetrical. This must be a sign that our family is complete. This family growth was easier because we were older, foster care was not involved so we had no government intervention and we had made tons of mistakes in parenting so we sort of knew what we were doing. Then one day, Fernando texted asking if his brother could stop by after school. He has family nearby that are WONDERFUL so I thought nothing of it. What I didn't know was the visitor would become our fifth child.

  Yobany makes seven, don't move the finish line!

I came home from work expecting a 30 year old brother, what I found was a 15 year old brother that had just arrived from Guatemala and spoke ZERO English. The minute I saw him, I knew that he was meant for us. I saw it differently on round 3. All reluctance to hear God's plans were gone for all of us. David looked at me, smiled ear to ear and said "can we keep him?"

I saw two young brothers separated by countries for over 2 years finally reunited. Again, I don't remember a decision to add to the family, I just remember my husband laughing aloud and shaking his head. Later he told me "We can't move the finish line" meaning our daughter (one year younger than Yobany) needed to be the end, regardless of how many come between our oldest and youngest.  Even after all God has shown us we still try to plan and think we are in charge.

Adoption comes in a lot of colors, shapes and sizes. There is infant adoption that is planned through agencies and you are given a baby that is hours old. No trauma, no bad memories, nothing to overcome. I think there will still be questions as they age and I am sure some concerns along the way, as well as unknown genetics but this is perhaps the simplest of the adoptions. I suspect extended family is more supportive and accepting as well. Everyone loves a baby.

My own adoption

I was adopted by my stepdad. He married my mom when I was two and was the only father I had ever known. I will forever believe this was God sewing the seeds for what was to come in my life. I was loved by a man that did not look like me and had a lot of strengths you will never see in me. 

However, I see now how much I am like this man that shares none of my genetics. I am compassionate and open to loving whoever needs us. I see the good in people so that I can try to grow it in them and that is what my dad does for all those around him. We are nothing alike in other ways, now as a momma, I see that those are the things he must treasure in me. I love math and talk incessantly. He is mechanically minded and a quiet, thoughtful observer. That's one of many gifts in adoption. You get to raise someone that is NOT like you, someone that will become all kinds of things you could not create.

Older adoptions are really not like the other options.

The biggest misunderstanding we had going into loving and adopting an older child was definitely thinking that we were going to love them and see them just like the biological kids we had. That really isn't how it works. You do love them but you love them for being nothing like you, for being so much more than you.

Our biological kids came to us as infants with post birth emotions coursing through me and amazement at God's gifts. If you have had a biological kid, you get it, you take one look at them and the love just pours out of you. You see yourself or your husband in their eyes, you lather on the sunscreen because you know how fast their skin will burn like yours. As they grow older, you often see yourself in them, albeit a better version. You see your strengths and weaknesses. It is easy to help them navigate life because they often think and act just like you or their dad. Their bodies start to morph into a younger version of you. This is easy, this makes sense.

Adoption of older kids is not a wildly instant delivery room love. It is a love that grows with time, laughter and arguments. Arguments about things you cannot believe you are teaching someone this old...but wait you didn't lay the groundwork. So, yes, you are parenting a 15 year old on things you dealt with when the others were 7. Then, every now and then, you see it like a rainbow after the storm. You see the beauty that, thank God, they are nothing like you. They are fully their own person that can maneuver that soccer field with speed and agility that definitely did NOT come from these genes. You see their patience, something you lack entirely, and you know someone else loved them first, someone else planted that beautiful seed and wow, I get to see it grow. You love them BECAUSE they are not like you. In this joy, there is some sorrow. Sadness that I didn't get to hold them as babies, watch their first steps, be there for them when they undoubtedly needed a mom. I want the years back but that is not the story we are writing. They are each stronger for their journey to our family. They are better for all the people that loved them along the way and for all they overcame.

Family doesn't end when kids turn 18 and what a gift that clearly becomes. I will get so many beautiful, amazing grandkids. I will get to see my bonus kids in the eyes of their babies. Holidays are giant events even when it is only us and our kids. Big families are just special.

Good things accidentally happen when you grow your family.

Our biological kids are so much better because they shared their lives and their homes with three bonus kids. They are compassionate, welcoming and loving. Both of them have said they want big families of their own because now that they have experienced it, they can't imagine how boring life would have been with just the four of us. Since three of our kids were undocumented when they came into our family and all were from third world countries, we learned a lot about culture and immigration. The "originals" grasped a greater appreciation for all they have and all their experiences. They know they have had a lot of advantages and they work hard to make use of opportunities not everyone gets.

My sweet sister-in-law has shared that our journey and growing family has positively impacted my nephews. They have had the opportunity to grow up with biracial cousins that speak two languages and they have never questioned adoption, or if they were actually cousins or anything about what family is. They just love their cousins because they see us loving them. You never know how your love will show others to love.

We have been blessed by friends that have cheered us on from the beginning. They have loved us through good and bad times. Helped us when we had no idea what to do and supported us without reminding us that "you chose this" or "this is why we wouldn't do this to our family". Now, with our baby 19, we see all the 'extras' coming into our ever expanding family. Our oldest married an amazing man we are blessed to have in our family. Three more of my kids are with wonderful people that fit like the missing puzzle pieces we didn't know we needed. They are a reminder that our large family will only get larger.

My oldest son, Fernando, took David (bio son) back to Guatemala with him to meet his family. This was one of those wild moments when you really see how beautiful adoption can be. David was welcomed into Fernando's home just as we had welcomed Fernando. David loved every minute of it and really enjoyed all the young cousins that gathered everywhere they went. (He has admitted he liked the young ones because they seemed to speak the same level of Spanish).

The way things worked out we ended up with a bio and a bonus kid as seniors in high school twice. I suspect the ages of the last four made life a little easier because they all had events at the high school together. This was so much fun through the high school years. Somewhere along the way, we realized we didn't take away from Emma and David's lives, we added. We added three more people to love and laugh with them. They learned from siblings mistakes or struggles because they had front row seats and came away more tolerant and kind.

There are frustrations along the way.

Just because you have opened your hearts and lives to others doesn't mean everyone else will. If everyone thought like adoptive families, there wouldn't be any children in foster care. Adoptive families are different and you have to accept that your way of life is not for everyone. Some family and friends will drop off as they don't care to be a part of your journey. This is a tough one and surprised us even though it shouldn't have. You have to learn to ignore the selfish people and just enjoy your loud, chaotic family. You will probably be far too busy going back and forth to the grocery store to feed this many people to give much time or attention to negativity. Along with the selfish people will come some crazy comments. Put your energy on the good people and the positive support. Others may never understand and that's okay, you didn't grow your family for them.

You will have enough love to go around but that doesn't grow money or time.  You will spend more at on vacations and groceries than you could ever imagine. Suddenly spending $50-75 for a kid's Easter is now multiplied by 5, not 2. There will be less vacations, activities and meals out. 

Planning is fine but look for God's plan, too.

Every now and then only the four of us are together and I see a photo and have to laugh. This was my BIG plan. I had it all figured out. Our lives would have been so boring if we had chosen to ignore God's plans in our lives. We have been blessed and grown into much better people for all we have seen and all those we have loved. I also believe the original two are better because they understand the real truth of family and of faith.

The only thing they ever seem to be frustrated with is when their siblings aren't treated as equals or as family. Since they have been raised to love everyone that comes into the house, they don't understand why others wouldn't.

Our family is a lot better for all those we have loved and raised. I still find myself laughing all these years later at those two kids at college in 1995 that had it all figured out, the stories I would love to tell them. Planning will never be their strong suit.

The good, the bad and the ugly of foster care

We get asked a lot about foster care, about how it works, and how someone might get involved. It is a very involved answer. I have learned one thing, we had no idea what we were doing when we started the process at 29 years old. The foster care system also seemed to have no idea what they were doing so that didn't seem to help. 

And Angelica made five

I guess I should back up and explain our journey a little. In 2005, I was a wife of 11 years and a mother to two biological children ages 6 and 4.  I was in my second year of teaching 6th grade in Indianapolis and one of my students was in foster care. This was a first for me, I communicated with her elderly foster parents and I heard from her caseworker twice that year. Angelica was 13 and in her 7th school in her 2nd country, in her third state. She was undocumented and life had been unfair and unsafe. Initially, she told me she would be returning to the family members she had lived with prior to foster care but as the weeks turned into months it became clear that her plan might not be unfolding as she had thought. By April 2006, she told me that it was beginning to look like she was not actually related to the "aunt" and "uncle" she'd lived with, so reunification was unlikely. I reached out to her caseworker and found out her case was unique at that time in Marion County because she was undocumented and not related to anyone living in the United States. Keep in mind, she was 13 and had lived in the United States for 7 years.

I knew nothing. I mean, absolutely nothing. I didn't know anything about trauma, about raising teens, about foster care, about immigration, about attachment, about loving children I had not raised.

Hannah Montana had her sidekick and big sister

When I told my husband over dinner about this child and how I worried about where life would take her given her unique circumstances, he shrugged and said "I guess we should take her". This was a very strange remark for so many reasons. First, as I mentioned, we knew nothing. Secondly, after having our first biological child we researched raising "only" children because we were pretty convinced we were failing in colossal ways. Then a couple of years later we decided just one more would complete our family. Our second child, a girl, was newly diagnosed as Deaf. We were navigating a world of exceptionalities and pretty sure we were doing it all wrong. So, foster care and adoption was the furthest thing from our minds.

Then, with no caution, no planning, we leapt. We have always felt it was God tossing us out into that ocean of confusion. Nothing in our planning would have sent us that direction.

Senior Year

 In hindsight, there are so many things I wish we'd known so we could be what she needed. But that is not how it all worked out. We did our best and she survived us. So, here's our truth of living in the foster care system for two years.

The Good in foster parenting:

• You have some friends that will blow your mind. They will show up. They will love you. They will hear you and they might not understand BUT they will keep showing up.
• Bringing a child into your home will grow a level of acceptance and compassion with your original kids that would never exist otherwise.
• A child that is not biologically yours is likely to have personality traits and talents you don't have. This is a lot of fun because you get to experience new things outside your comfort zone.
• Hopefully, if all goes right, you take that child to a better place and a healthier, happier life than they might have ventured to alone.
• You learn so much more about love when you actively choose love which is a different situation than traditional parenting.
• That moment without realizing it that she sprung out of my friend's pool and shouted, "MOM, watch this" my heart exploded with a new love and a new connection I could never have imagined, loving bonus kids has its rewards.
• Realizing you got a 7th grader that had a 2nd-grade reading level, after 2 years she is passing all the standardized tests and is above grade level because she just needed safe consistency.
• You get the opportunity to grow patience because the system is beyond futile and planning will get you nowhere.
• Bigger families inevitably have more laughter and chaos.
• AND I mean, look at that picture, she's stunning and she's mine!
• Getting a front-row seat to watching a child overcome an awful childhood to become a happy, fun and good person is a great gift.
• The CASA workers are your people. At least we were blessed with several that always answered phones and emails, always cared and stepped up. They are truly there to be the voice for these children. They are not there for reunification if that is not in the child's best interest. They will try hard to do what is truly right.

                                          

The Bad of Foster Care

• Constant intrusion becomes the new normal. Someone will show up announced or unannounced whenever it is convenient for them to inspect your house. Oh, you already have two healthy, successful kids? But do you have a fire extinguisher on every floor of your home? Do you have a fire ladder upstairs? Do you have your fuse box labeled? Do you have your Tylenol in a safe? How many square feet of space is in their bedroom?
• While the caseworker can show up whenever and wherever they want to check up on you, trying to reach them when you are losing your mind is not quite so easy. You will get one recording after another. If they ever call back, they will be annoyed you called at all.
• That person showing up to advise you on how to handle a new behavior has NO KIDS OR LIFE EXPERIENCE, not one, single, ounce. The 22-year-old assigned to your case comes right when you are at war with each other, then proceeds to tell you something they read out of a book. 
• Understandably, the caseworker needs to spend some time alone with the child to make sure they can share any concerns or dangers of living in your house. Then the caseworker take them to get a treat or out to a fun activity so they can come home with an ice cream cone or new toys to flaunt in front of the other kids that no longer get those experiences because the family finances have been stretched across more children.
• The loneliness is unimaginable. I was blessed with a husband I could be completely honest with and another foster family (that adopted Angelica's biological brother so we could raise them together) that really understood. I had another few friends that SHOWED up in every difficult moment. But it is still a very strange loneliness. Find your people and get real with them. If they judge you or remind you "you chose this" or " this is why I don't foster", recognize this is not going to be a person in the inner circle. Stop sharing your life with them because they are in a competition to win at life and you are not entering that competition.

The Ugly

• You find out pretty quickly that while suspended in foster care (not yet adopted) the state controls everything, poorly. So, you cannot get their hair cut, go on a trip, get their ears pierced, or find out anything going on in therapy. This child goes in and talks to a therapist has all kinds of feelings stirred up and bounced around for an hour, then goes home with people completely oblivious to their struggles. This is not only frustrating for the child that has no one to help them at home but it is also dangerous because their current state of mind is never shared with you.
• You are positive of only one thing, you are failing someone every day. You either fail as a wife, a mother to the original kids, or as a mother to the foster child. There just isn't enough of you. You cry a lot and live in a world of self doubt.
• You find out pretty quickly that your "circle" of friends is shrinking. You cannot be honest with very many people about having a bad day or week. They will either admonish you for not realizing this poor foster child is hurting or they will remind you that they told you so, and this is exactly why they aren't foster parents. This judgement is not very helpful.
• There should be more resources on the types of trauma and concerns you might face as a family and proven methods of helping the child.

Things you need to consider before becoming foster parents:  

Emma, Dave and Angelica

• Adding one more, in this way, is in no way comparable to adding a biological infant. The amount of money, time and anxiety will not increase the same small amount as when you added that last baby. This child needs time to heal and time to figure out who they are within the greater family. This is a slow and difficult journey for them and for you. It is the focus of the entire family and takes the majority of the family's focus for at least a year. Your marriage will not be improved by this experience. If you struggle to communicate, it WILL get worse. Make sure your marriage is good and you both 100% want to be doing this. Just like intentionally having biological children is a decision you make together.
• The child will inevitably and without realizing it, compare you to everyone else that has cycled through as parents, guardians or foster parents. This was incredibly hurtful because I constantly felt compared while I already failing. You have to find a way to not take every single thing personally. This poor kid has no idea that the people they are comparing you to, failed them, miserably.

• Everything I read in research AFTER our experience said that you should not adopt ABOVE the age of your biological children. Hindsight... this makes so much sense. Not only were we trying to learn how to be foster parents, but we were also learning and rapidly failing at being parents of a teenager. Thank God she was good! She made good grades, she didn't drink, do drugs or party...and thank you Jesus there were not babies! Raising a child younger than your biological kids would be far less of a guessing game. You would have experience with all of the big and small decisions.
• Your extended family is not signing up to be foster or adoptive parents. Some family members will shock you by stepping up and being "all in" but not everyone shares your level of compassion. Expecting them to support you or accept your child will lead to painful disappointment.
• Your goal in foster care should be to help this child get any help they need and be their best self. They are not you. They do not share your strengths or weaknesses. They are not on the same train you tossed your biological kids on at birth. When we attempted to get our adopted daughter on that train, we essentially made her chase the train that was 13 years ahead of her. This was so unfair and ridiculous. Have realistic expectations that match your child's life experiences and interests. They have their own train, it may be on its own tracks, it may be on a different planet. Find their train and let them be their own person.
• You WILL NOT be capable of healing what has happened to this innocent child. You cannot erase it, you cannot fix it. Believing you can, will make you feel like a failure with every breath that you take. It's not your fault. It's not their fault. Provide them with a loving, safe and healthy place to work through it but you will not be able to do it for them.
• The years you didn't have them matter. You will never know or understand what happened in those years. The child might not even be able to articulate or understand all of those years themselves. Yet, they have to live with the resulting trauma. Now that you are their parent, so do you. 
• Foster care is a selfless act. You need to know that you are choosing a path for everyone living in the house. Is everyone prepared to focus on someone else and their needs with a heightened sense of stress and demands?
• Can you be kind to yourself? I was NOT and that is made worse by everyone else's constant judgement. You need to know your self worth. You need to be sure you are a good parent.

My friend or family member is a foster parent, how can I help support them?

Family Trip to Hilton Head

• Invite the foster child over to allow the child time away from the family. They need a break and so does the family.
• LISTEN, you don't have to understand and I am pretty certain you can't fix anything. But ask your friend if you can meet to go on a walk or meet up for coffee. Being heard without judgment was a gift that I can never repay to those trusted friends that listened and encouraged me. Find your circle, it will get smaller.
• Send them a gift card for pizza, with therapy and sports, and added homework there will be nights that not having to deal with dinner would help.
• Pray for them and let them know that you did. Just knowing someone cares without judgment lifts your mood and pushes you on.
• Try to include the foster child, it must be awful to always feel left out. Sometimes it was evident that people didn't see her as one of the Dillon kids. Look at the pictures, she was blessed with beautiful skin that tanned even though her white momma lathered her up in sunscreen, she was clearly not biologically ours, that divide is difficult enough but adding to it by not including them is not helpful. 
• If the other children in the family are young, try to help out by sending the parents out to dinner or a movie while you have the kids over for a night at your house. 

Foster care, itself, is a mess. It is a limbo where a child lives between a life that failed them and a future that isn't decided. It is stressful for all involved. Adoption, on the other hand, is a beautiful thing. Adoption is selfless and difficult but you don't have an agency interrupting constantly. The family can come together and create new memories and a new life together. The future is supported by court documents and the stress is far less.

Raising a Deaf Child in a Hearing World

I was recently asked to speak to a high school class about my daughter's exceptionality. Our daughter, now 19, was born with a bilateral hearing loss. Raising her has been an unusual adventure and definitely one I felt ill-equipped to manage in the beginning. Throughout her life, I have talked to a lot of new parents about their child's exceptionalities and there seems to be a lot that scientists and doctors can't do to help families.

Emma about 6 months old

From the Beginning

Emma was born after Indiana had mandated hospitals to do hearing tests at the hospital in the hours following birth. Emma failed that test and we weren't initially told. The following day when she failed it again, a nurse stopped in with an information sheet and let us know we should contact our Children's hospital to make an appointment to have a more detailed test performed because she appeared to be Deaf.

That's it, have a good day. **Sarcasm**

We were 25-year-old parents of two left in that hospital room unable to even conjure up a cohesive question between the two of us. There was no family history, no indication that she had failed the test the day before and the actual pediatrician did not bother to stop in and chat, you know because I had hormones coursing wildly through my body and felt like someone knocked me off a cliff. Perhaps a few minutes of a doctor's time would have helped.

Excuse me, nurse, I delivered a perfect, beautiful 7 pounds 14-ounce daughter 24 hours ago, I like plans. In fact, I like plans for my plans. I am going to need you to take this piece of paper and ....

It took a winding road from there to determine, I was always right. We did, in fact, have a perfect child. She was perfect the way God delivered her to me. She was destined for far more than the average kiddo, and this is where EXCEPTIONAL comes into play. She wasn't ordinary, she would become quite extraordinary as soon as I got out of her way. 

Emma at 2 with her WILD hair and day one at IU

If you are battling a new diagnosis with a young child that has an exceptionality, I am not suggesting you smile and get excited. Sit in it, cry about it, throw a fit and have a "not so nice talk" with Jesus about things. Then get it together because I promise, that child is about to teach you so much. Some family or friends will say hurtful and downright stupid things to you. "Oh, good maybe she will smile and be happier now" indicating that my baby girl has been unhappy from birth to nearly 3?  No, she was actually the most content and happy child I had ever been around but Deaf kids don't always make a lot of noise. Different is okay.

Emma was initially diagnosed with a mild to moderate bilateral hearing loss. This means both of her ears were operating at about 75-80%. Due to some medical misinformation, we didn't fully get this diagnosis until she was nearly 3. Her speech was delayed and she had an unrelated issue with fluid in her ears. She started speech and got her hearing aids a few months before she turned 3. She had seven surgical procedures to place tubes, do sedated hearing tests, and MRI's later to determine she didn't have any additional issues.

Emma and big brother, David

In the midst of trying to figure all this out, you are still a mom. A mom to all of your kids so the added guilt train shows up that the kids that are...well... unexceptional are not getting what they need. Actually, they are getting more than they would have because they are learning to be patient, love ALL and be compassionate.

My husband and I approached this situation very differently. He sort of shrugged and said okay. He attended all the appointments, he accepted the diagnosis, he cared. He did not dive in headfirst into the anxiety spiral I did, worrying about every single thing that might happen in the next two decades. We had been married nearly eight years (pretty happily) and his seeming nonchalance toward her impending doom was a little more than I could handle. I probably needed a place to set my anger down for a minute, and he was definitely a target. It took years for me to realize he just thinks on a whole different level than me. I think the word rational comes to mind...I am not always so rational.

I worried about whether she would learn to speak, have a speech impediment, have friends, be treated well, learn to read, learn alongside peers, finish high school, have a boyfriend, have opportunities, be an outcast, get married, have kids...

Are you wondering why I mentioned she might not learn to read? Yea, because I quickly jumped on the internet like all good moms do, to find out all the medical and scientific research. At the time, it was reported that Deaf children would finish high school with a fourth-grade reading level if they completed high school at all. FANTASTIC! That is just awesome right? Did I mention it was my first year teaching when all this happened, so education is sort of a big deal to me. She is currently a freshman at Indiana University as a direct admit to the Kelley School of Business (i.e. she can read, in fact, she reads at a collegiate level so don't believe all the doom and gloom).

Here is what I have decided, what we worry about doesn't usually happen=WIN!

Also, things sneak up on you that you didn't expect and take the wind out of you.

Emma has lost a great deal of hearing from 2-10 years old, both nerve loss and two eardrum explosions that resulted in scar tissue on the eardrum. By ten years old, her diagnosis shifted to moderately to severely (a loss of about 50 more decibels) Deaf. Nope wasn't expecting that. She was in speech from 2-8 and she does not have a Deaf tone in her voice but does have a bit of a lisp with "s" sounds which is a sound she cannot hear. 

She has made really good friends at college and joined the IU Women's Rowing team making her a D1 athlete (maybe their first Deaf rower). She has had a wonderful, kind, Christian boyfriend for nearly 7 years....yep since they were 12??? She was a competitive powerlifter and cheerleader in high school. 

Emma and longtime boyfriend, Brendan, through the years

A lot went really right and I shouldn't have worried and wasted so much time thinking up all that might go wrong. I wish I had been able to funnel more of that energy into prayer.

Emma's Bows vendor booth

Good thing come from difficult paths.

The things I didn't expect were how her Deafness would set her aside from others in a variety of ways. Being Deaf made her a lot more mature than her peers. She is very compassionate and created her own business (Emma's Bows) when her Teacher for the Deaf was diagnosed with cancer.  She has donated nearly $50,000. This volunteerism was a cornerstone to getting so many grants and scholarships that her education is paid in full. Due to her maturity and success, she has been given a lot of opportunities including taking part in "Johnson County Youth Leadership" and our local "Mayor's Youth Council". She has a big heart and a desire to cheer others on. In 2020, she was nationally recognized in Portland at the Council for Exceptional Children's annual "Yes I Can" award.

Emma accepting her award

The hardest thing as a mom has been seeing the inevitable loneliness of being Deaf in a hearing world. She technically had friends in high school, she was homecoming queen and well-liked. However, she misses a lot of social cues and can't hear a lot of what goes on around her. The heartache of being left out throughout school was very hard on her and hard to watch as her momma. Friends would have get-togethers but she wasn't included. Our children reach a point, that we cannot schedule their playdates and create friendships.

What I wish I had accepted sooner, was that God created her exactly as she is for His greater purpose. She is an inspiration and a Rockstar. She navigates being Deaf in a hearing world. She amazes me and continues to rise to every occasion.

Me and my girl pretending we understand or care about football

Hindsight

What we should have done, was get her involved in the Deaf community. I didn't realize or value the importance of her culture that is different than mine. She will be taking sign language at IU but there is more we should have done to let her experience her own culture.

As far as school/education goes, we were blessed with two amazing Teachers for the Deaf that grew her into a champion of self-advocacy. We also did the work and the research to advocate for her in the early years. We had some pretty serious fights for her rights early on and learned a lot about the special education system. If you know you are right, don't back down, fight the fight for the services your child needs. Another amazing cheerleader in Emma's life has been her audiologist. Dr. Carrie Hill, owner of Advanced Audiology in Franklin. Carrie has been by our side since Emma was 18 months old. She is also Deaf and has been a patient friend to me and mentor for Emma as we navigated this foreign world together.

Jane Ellen her original Teacher for the Deaf (3 years old-6th grade) and inspiration for Emma's Bows

Tai her Teacher for the Deaf 7th-12th grades

In summary, if you or someone you know is struggling with a diagnosis of Deafness or exceptionality, don't look 20 years ahead. Worry won't change any of it, pray and do your best. Teach them to embrace their exceptionality and be so proud of who they are. In the end, they will teach you far more than you could ever have taught them.